Just when I thought I had things figured out, God decided to throw me another curve ball. I thought I was doing well at the end of my last missions trip. And usually I get a lot of compliments on my ‘passion’ for the Lord.
But what goes on underneath the surface is pride... pride in what I’ve done, rather than in the Lord alone. Yet at the same time, I’ve been praying the prayer my pastor warned me about. “Lord, teach me humility.” He told us to be careful when praying it... because that’s the kind of prayer the Lord will answer.
But ironically, before the trip, and all my prideful feelings, I was having frequent thoughts that, “I’m not doing enough.”
Let’s review. Every week I teach at a youth group, I also meet monthly to speak with Muslims and share my faith with them, I go on two missions trips a year, I help teach 5th grade every month on Sunday. I pray daily. I (try to) read the scriptures (nearly) every day. You get the idea. A lot of people would take a look at that and say, “Wow Paul, the Lord’s using you.”
Yet one night, I found myself in my car on the verge of tears. It’s not enough. I know so many lost and hurting people. I’m still wasting my life on my own entertainment. There are a lot of needs I could be filling, but I’m not, because they’re not convenient for me.
So here I’ve got the meeting of my pride and my ineffectiveness. But there’s something else that’s missing. It’s this: a passion and awe and love for the Lord Himself. What good is all the work in the world if it isn’t done in love for God and men alike? What good is humbling myself if I’m not elevating the Lord?
Everything else is all well and good, but it all needs to stem from a genuine heart that seeks the Lord...
So with my condition in mind, I had the opportunity to visit a world missions summit in Baltimore. It was three days long, and unbelievably powerful. Inside the massive convention center, the missionaries had set up massive exhibits. Some were mocked up to be like the regions they represented. The African region resembled a tribal village... a slice of life for the people who live there, and their dire needs. In Eurasia, we were hassled by people in customs, run through a busy marketplace, and then seated by soldiers. And in America, we saw the dire plight of immigrants as they struggled to make their way in our culture. It was an experience, sure. But then I started talking to the missionaries and realized that all the stories represented in the African, Asian, and other experiences weren’t just dramatizations, they were the true stories of many who had come to faith... and many who remained locked in darkness. At that point I realized that:
1) There’s a lot of needs in this world.
2) I cannot fill them all... or even one.
I was broken. I was convicted that I had nothing to be prideful about. I walked around like a kid in a hall of spiritual giants. There ARE people who are working day in and day out for the Kingdom of God... and I’m not one of them... not now.
So was this only a conference for me to beat myself up over? I get enough reminders of my shortcomings every day. I don’t need that; it doesn’t help with my pride anyway. So what did I need?
I needed this reminder from a pastor in Iraq who spoke. My life is not my life anymore, but rather His life. I am not my own, I was bought with a price; therefore I need to honor God with HIS life. At the end of the conference, he offered us the chance to recite a pledge of allegiance to Christ and His kingdom. It was an oath, a vow to use my time for missions here in the states.
Of course, it’s easy to get caught up in the emotions in a conference. So the question is, what impact will that vow and pledge mean in the long run? What kind of plan is in place to make sure that my words are more than just empty words.
I’ve made it my daily goal to use some portion for the glory of God, and to read His scriptures daily. And no, I don’t just mean opening up a Psalm, I mean serious study. And I trust that in His timing, as I renew my mind, that God will transform me.
And so the process continues... the Lord is killing my pride as projects and ideas I had die in my hands. Naturally, my first reaction is anger, until I realize that this is the process of me dying to myself.
A dead man has nothing to lose.
As for the feeling that I’m not doing enough, that’s why I’m focusing on being with the Lord. There is no way I can meet even one of the needs I saw in the missions conference, but I do know the man who can: my Savior, Christ Jesus.
If I have a genuine passion and awe for Him, then I’m confident the work of the Lord will bleed out into my life. And it’s impossible to be double minded or hypocritical when the good deeds you do come from a heart that’s genuinely seeking the Lord. So I’m throwing off outward appearances and focusing on my heart.
It’s going to be a fight... but I’m ready.
